The Return of Legally Wandering Jen

            I’ve always hated Halloween.  It had been seven years since my real reason for hating it, but this year still didn’t stop the haunting memories.  On October 31, 2017, I wandered around shops and restaurants on my last day of my first true vacation since I had graduated law school.  My life had been consumed with work and doing what everyone else expected of me.  I couldn’t remember the last thing I had done because I wanted to do it, until I went on this trip.  I felt cool, calm, and collected.  Actually, I felt the best I had felt since that horrid Halloween weekend in 2010.  

            I purposely chose to take a red eye back to San Diego on Halloween night so that I could avoid the costumes and activities surrounding the holiday that brought back so many feelings of dread.  I arrived at the airport early to avoid the expected ten-fifteen thousand people who would be celebrating in Waikiki.  The Honolulu airport was quiet as to be expected, but I managed to have an enjoyable time at a bar near my gate.  For those that know me, the fact that I socialized with strangers at an airport bar should be shocking, but this trip had turned me back into the confident and independent woman I once was.  The bartender us some of her craziest customer stories and we all laughed for hours as we awaited our flights.  I joked about how I wasn’t looking forward to going back to work and leaving Hawaii for a city that one can’t really complain about, San Diego.  However, my head felt the clearest it had been in years and I was ready to get back to working and building my career.  A 10-day vacation was exactly what I had needed to decide what I wanted in life and the path I wanted to take.  

            As I sit in my bed, drinking chamomile tea and listening to John Mayer at 2:48 am, I can’t help but think that I should have never left Hawaii because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be facing my newest nightmare.  Once again, the end of October/November would mark another year where my life had changed forever.  Perhaps, writing again will help me find a way to myself again.

            It's good to be back.

XOXO,

Jen